So I decided that I needed to do more than swim to get in shape and I bought this handy dandy item. Call me crazy but, I'm beginning to become suspicious that this guy may have looked this way BEFORE he started using it.
In any case, the box sat around the kitchen for few days then I opened it. Then it sat around the living room a few days until I hung it in a doorway. A few days later a did a pull up. Yes one. It hurt. Then I did a few push ups. They hurt too but I could do more of those. Then I tried the sit ups and whacked my head on the wall behind me. That hurt most.
But gradually I started using this thing daily - mostly once daily. I still don't look like the guy in the picture and it still hurts but now I can manage 5 pull ups. I've studiously avoided the sit-ups because despite the instructions, I can't get the thing to stay put when I roll back. In fact, I think this device may be developed by Al-Quaida.
Every time I've tried to use it for sit ups it ends up flipping into the air - executing a perfect somersault mesmerizingly over my head and just when my sense of self-preservation overcomes the hypnotic twirling....it falls on my face. Al-Quaida KNOWS we're a nation of fat bastards. They also know that our appetite for cheeseburgers topped with pancakes & bacon is equaled only by our appetite for fitness devices. Suicide bombers? Too messy - and in limited supply. Dirty Bombs? Too difficult -plus that Jack Bauer character is always sneaking around making everyone twitchy. Fitness devices eagerly bought by the millions that unexpectedly flip into the air and kill their owners? GENIUS.
Despite Al-Quiada and their twirling pull-up bar of death, I am determined to persevere. To that end I have relaunched my Olympic swimming bid. Today I swam 4,000 yards. Roughly 2.25 miles. I say "roughly" because it WAS rough.
It was about a mile in that I began to think about redemption...as in I have redeemed myself by getting back to this. About 10 yards later that became "Resurrection" because I began to feel as if I WAS being resurrected.
I want you to contemplate that for second. Have you ever thought about what that would actually be like? I mean your DEAD. You've got rigor mortise. Your muscles have atrophied. You blood stopped moving and then some hairy Jew who smells like a donkey comes along and tells you to get up...COMPELS you to get up in fact. I gotta believe that involves one hell of a lot of pain. What, with the screaming dead muscles forced to move, the clotted, moisture less blood slicing thru brittle veins....I'll bet the first thing Lazarus REALLY did once Jesus resurrected him was kick him right in the BALLS.
Assuming he was flexible enough to pull it off.
My point? I feel resurrected.
Exercise sucks. And I DON'T LIKE IT. Not one damned bit.
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